


Bright as the Sun

by Lai Jun Chen (laijunchen), laijunchen, Trihn (laijunchen)



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Gen, Implied Slash, Innocence, Introspection, M/M, Obsession, Possessive Behavior, Torture, inner monologue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-15
Updated: 2014-09-01
Packaged: 2018-01-24 20:58:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1616873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laijunchen/pseuds/Lai%20Jun%20Chen, https://archiveofourown.org/users/laijunchen/pseuds/laijunchen, https://archiveofourown.org/users/laijunchen/pseuds/Trihn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Innocence choose their partners for many reasons. They test and torture, love and sympathize- almsot like human beings. Some protect their hosts and some push them to their limits. Cruel or kind, they all have their reasons.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Crown Clown

**Author's Note:**

> This began as a one-shot about Allen and morphed into a multi-chaptered fic about the Exorcists and their Innocence; however, each chapter can be read alone. Please feel free to recommend new character chapters!

 

**Bright as the Sun**

 

…Your soul is so _bright_ , Allen Walker. It’s blinding. And while the light cast from it is nearly unbearable, your soul is the most pleasant I have ever looked upon. While there are only a select few of the great many that you are _told_ are on your side that come close, there is not one soul that I can see (and I see them all) that can match yours. Lenalee, Lavi, Miranda… they come close, but few others can so much as hold a candle to you- to _you_ whose soul looks as bright as the sun.

You have a slight shadow, but there will always be shadow where there is light. And yet, even your shadow is different- rather… _translucent_. How do you do it, Allen Walker? How do you continue to dream as if you’ll live _forever_ and live as if you’ll _die_ tomorrow? How do you give everyone around you hope and still manage to hold on to _any_ for yourself? For you must retain _some_ hope for the future… though, perhaps I am wrong? You would fight even if the world was _doomed_ , even if you _knew_ that there was absolutely nothing else that could be done to save it. You, who have jumped _towards_ a bomb (read: self-destructing Akuma), instead of away from it, ought to understand hope least of all.

And yet you fight on. You fight _for_ killing machines that try to kill you, kill your loved ones. You fight for human beings that are ignorant of what you do, and will _never_ truly appreciate your sacrifices. You fight for an organization that _will_ betray you, that will try to destroy you, no matter how turn-coat a Noah the previous 14 th was. In the end, you fight and that is all.

 _That_ is all that there will ever be for you, right Allen Walker? Is there anything else left of you, Allen Walker? Is there a real person behind that never ending optimism? Is there any pain behind that endless smile? Is there bitterness or resentment behind your never ending forgiveness? Is there a lack of surety behind that endless determination?

You hardly seem human anymore, Allen Walker. Is it because you possess a Noah? Or is it _simply_ because you’ve given yourself away, piece by piece? The _person_ ‘Allen Walker’ is dead, he must be. You said it yourself: “I’m Allen, an Exorcist, and I'd die before I became anything else.” Does that ‘else’ include human- mortal- a creature responsible for its _own_ happiness alone? It must, seeing as the _Exorcist_ , Allen Walker, seems to be all that’s left. You said ‘left hand is for the Akuma and my right is for mankind,’ but what about _you_ , Allen Walker? Noah? Exorcist? Cursed, human child?

The Innocence is cruel, I know. But I never thought it would leave nothing of _you_. This 'God'… this God of the Church is even crueler. Weren’t they- the Exorcists- his apostles, his chosen, the ones he loved _best_? If that is so then this _God_ is worse than the Earl, worse than the other Noah, the Akuma, worse than _humanity_. If that is so, it is best to be like ‘Allen Walker,’ the _Exorcist_. After all, the only thing _left_ of that Allen Walker is this 'God’s' war, yes?

And despite all of this, your soul shines brighter than any other. So surely, I am wrong. You have _more_ to you than this war? There is still Allen Walker the _Friend_ , the _Leader_ , the _Comrade_ , the _Lover_ , the _Clown_? You have not been consumed by the _Martyr_ , Allen Walker? Is this truly why you shine so brightly, Allen Walker? When all others would fall into my assumptions, you do not. Is this why?  
            _This_ is why you truly seem inhuman, Allen Walker? Because you are the only one who has not broken? Because you are the only one left capable of dreaming like you'll live _forever_ and living as if you'll _die_ tomorrow?

...Preposterous. If I couldn't see you- your soul- as I do, I would be certain that such an outcome as this was absolutely _preposterous_. But with you...

Whatever the reason, you’re just like the sun, Allen Walker... you always look just like the sun.

 

“Dream as if you’ll live forever. Live as if you’ll die tomorrow.”

~James Dean


	2. The Dark Boots

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because, in truth, all she needs is reasurance, support, and love in order to go on. Her Innocence is more than willing to give her all that she needs.

 

**Because We Love You**

         Tell us of your dreams, Lenalee-chan. Mind you, we already know your every dream. It is you who seem to have forgotten them. But do not worry, we will remind you.

         Instead, will you tell us of your hope? This we know you still possess and will always remember. Perhaps you do not realize this, but you _move_ your hope; it shifts between groups and individuals, and flickers, hides, races in circles with each new battle, or death, or fragment of Innocence lost or found. Often we have trouble finding it amongst, or even _within_ the pieces you have split your soul into, but we will always search until it is in our grasp again.

         ‘Puzzle pieces’ is what you call all the tiny sections you have divided yourself into. Puzzle pieces would be a very fitting way to describe your soul except that that is not how souls work. Puzzles have a set number of pieces, they have predefined borders, and they have an end, a point at which they are complete. Souls are not finite, they do not recognize such things as borders, and they never simply end. Not even in death. Furthermore, you cannot replace a piece of your soul once lost as there is no such thing as an exact replica in life- not in actions or words, in photographs, keys, or even in clones. If lost, could anyone ever take the places in your heart that Allen Walker, Kanda, or Ni-san occupy?

         We don’t suppose it really matters how you describe your soul, your world, or even how you _view_ it. We care only that these things are preserved. Once, all of you crumbled, fell into the sea, and tried to drown- both figuratively and literally. Was it really all that surprising that we jumped the metaphorical ship? It is not as if we left you or would ever let you drown. We held you just at the surface and let you flounder, gasp for air, and decide if you again wanted to fly.

         Yes, your decision took longer than we would have liked, but eventually you dragged your self-made Atlantis from the ocean floor. It will take time to dry out your battered wings and repair all of the buildings damaged by the pressure, but at least your world is at sea level again. You can truly _breathe_ now. _We_ can breathe again. We wonder if, perhaps, we should have pushed you harder.

         We know that we are cruel, but is because we so love you, Lenalee-chan. We are cruel because this is the only way we know how to protect you. Gladly we will push you, hurt you, and abandon you. Gladly we will always return to you and help rebuild what is left of you. We will repeat this process as many times as we must in order to make you strong. Gladly we will do all this, suffer all this, if only because we love you.

         We cannot love a corpse and there is nothing to be done for one who has given up. All you must do is live and we will love you. All you must do is fight and we will be there for you. We will be there for you when Allen Walker is consumed, when Kanda Yuu turns to dust, when Lavi leaves, and when Ni-san dies- or, as is more likely, when they are all killed. But do not fear, Lenalee-chan. Because we love you we will always be there for you.

         So long as we are with you, you should have no fear at all. And yet you still fear a great deal. We imagine that we know your fears even better than we know your dreams. Indeed, we know every wish and regret, every nightmare and waking fear- warranted or not. We know everything you should fear but inexplicably do not and vice versa. We are all but plagued by these things. You fear loneliness, but not death. You fear survival and failure both. You fear your allies, but not Akuma. You fear Noah, but not your allies. Ha! We are not sure if we should laugh or cry, or simply attack the whole lot.

         You are such a deranged and naïve child, truly. Yet these qualities are, in part, why we love you so. Your despair and fear gave you truer vision and helped us in giving you an astounding strength all your own. So why do you still bother to rely on others when you know that you can rely on us? Why do you stay with the Dark Order and trust those around you when you have us? We are thankful that they brought you to us, but are you any happier than we are that they later betrayed and imprisoned you for dubious reasons- for any reasons? We may hold you, keep you, hurt you, but only because we love you.

         Tell us what you will do when those you love more than the world are gone. There is no certainty that you can keep them, but you can keep us. All you need is us, so why do you still feel that you need them? Why do you still _want_ them? Tell us of your resolve, beloved. Tell us, what will you do, what will happen to you as the Dark Order continues to demand the impossible and perpetuates their cruelty? And when they betray you again? Tell us, what will you do when your puzzle pieces leave or die on you?

We know what you will do: you will crumble. But because we love you we will be there for you. Because we love you we will continue to repair you and return you to the front lines. As much as you hate this war you need to be a part of it, just as we do. You hate us for putting you in this war, for keeping you in it, and for trying to protect you from it. We love you just as much as you hate us. But we do not mind. Whether we have no choice but to love you due to the nature of what we are, or if it is simply by choice that we gladly suffer unrequited love… even we do not know. We do not mind the ‘not knowing’ either. By force or choice, that we love you is all that matters.

We returned to you after you nearly drowned because you promised to fight _with_ us, to _be_ with us, _live_ for us. Only because of our love for you did we concede to your promise to Ni-san. Do you see how much we love you by allowing you to give even a part of yourself to any other? As Innocence we are cruel, just as we said. We are also incredibly selfish, not only because we are Innocence, but also because we love you so. Do not be angry with us for this. Is not the way that humans love also selfish? Even if our love is the only kind that is so, we cannot, we _will not_ change it.

So long as you live, and even in death, we will love you. So long as you fight with us and for us we will be there for you. Just as much as you hate the Noah and Akuma… as much as you hate God and us, we love you and do not wish to be parted from you. Even when you do not need us or want us, we will do all that is in our power to stay by your side.

Because we love you we will never let you go, our dearest Lenalee-chan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is one of my favorite chapters. So, tell me what you think of Lenalee and her kind of creepy Dark Boots.


	3. Oudzuchi, Koudzuchi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lavi and his Innocence have so much in common. Lavi was chosen because of all that they have in common. That Lavi is not happy about the reasons does not change the fact that his past and his name make him ever so compatible.

**The Title That Is Your Name**

There is a reason that you, who have never had a side, were chosen, Bookman Jr. Your name is a great deal of the reason. Your snarky reply of 'which name?' is not well received. Don't be flippant, boy. I have no patience for your poor attempts at redirection and humor. You know very well which name I'm referring to, Bookman Jr. The title that has become your name, or rather, lack thereof, is what I mean.

Generally, we Innocence choose a host that is an equal, if not one that may be able to go above and beyond what is asked and can bring out even more than their potential. These individuals are most often those that become your Exorcist generals. In a roundabout sort of way I did the same when I chose you.

I chose you because you are weak. I chose you because the name that is your title has made you weak and has greatly shaped you. You are lacking in what most other Innocence require in their hosts. You are weak in an area that should, logically, keep me from choosing you. Yes, mentally and physically you are strong. It is strength of emotion and strength of resolve that you lack- the greatest side effect of your title. There is no strength of spirit within you. You are naught but the shadow of a human being compared to one like Allen Walker or Miranda Lotte. This critique is not meant to be injurious, but to be to the point and truthful.

Truthfully, I am not strong either. I cannot even say that, as Innocence, I am unique. After all, all Innocence are unique. On a grand scale Innocence and Bookmen both may be unique, but when set one next to the other… what is there to be said? But I digress.

You were chosen, weakling that you are, because it was decided that you needed to be around, to be on this side of the war. I'm not sure if this was the 'Heart's' idea or my own. Regardless, you have been deemed necessary. God only knows why.

Stop laughing, boy. Bite your tongue on that snide comment about the omniscience of God that I know you're dying to share.

I don't mind being partnered with you, to be honest. In fact your knowledge and intelligence have been greatly appreciated, and not just by me. It is this nonchalant, joking, almost carefree attitude that you adopted with the persona of 'Lavi' that irks me. Some of my favorite moments are those in which you are in pain because Lavi very nearly disappears and Bookman Jr. is almost forgotten. It is also in these moments that you are strongest. And just as these rare instances pass I feel regret.

In those brief flashes of pain and strength you show such potential and I regret that you were chosen as the partner of such a weak weapon as I am… But then I remember that you were chosen for me, in part, because it was already understood that you were going to squander your strength and potential as an Exorcist. With that, the regret is gone and replaced by the vague annoyance that is ever present when you are 'Lavi.'

It's not so bad, really. I am a weapon meant for support just as you were born to be a supporter. We were made and paired to make sure that 'the White Knight' makes it to the scene in the story where he battles 'the Dragon,' and hopefully moves on to the tallest tower to rescue 'the Princess.' Granted, I'm not sure how a Princess fits into any of this or who the Princess is. It's almost assuredly Lenalee, which makes me wonder how that girl gets herself into these situations. Don't give me that look. It's a bloody decent analogy. Do I have to spell it out for?

Allen Walker is, of course, the White Knight, Kanda and Crowley are the Weapon, Lenalee and Miranda are the Armor, and we are one amongst the many who make up the Horse. For a Bookman apprentice you can be awfully stupid… You seem displeased at being placed in the role of the Horse. I can assure you that it is, in fact, a prestigious and vital role.

Don't whine, boy. Is it really so awful being a support piece, a follower? Not one of your personae has ever been that of a leader. This fact doesn't even take into account that as a Bookman one is meant to stay on the sidelines and well out of the spotlight. It is in your nature to be a supporter, as it is in mine. Don't even try to give me more of your cheeky crap. You know I don't mean Bookman Jr., or Lavi, or any of the other personae you've donned. You bloody well know that I'm referring to the identity you were born into. Even if you had been born with the traits of a leader they have been stripped from you. A leader needs a cause, an opinion, a belief to follow and rally the troops around. If you had them before, you have lost your opinions and beliefs because conjecture, and judgment, and opinion are not part of a Bookman. Don't use that vaguely hurt and offended look on me. Why even bother when we both know you don't mean it?

You may not be too happy about why you were chosen, but you should at least be pleased by which Innocence chose you or, perhaps, which you were chosen for. I can't be sure which situation is true as the Heart is a conniving, incomprehensible thing. Either way, you should be very glad to have been paired with me, weak as I may be. With me you will be spared a great deal of pain because, in the grand scheme of things, nothing unusual is expected of you. With me you do not have to suffer the trials and agony that a fair number of your comrades have gone through. As your Innocence I see no need to test and torture you as Allen, Kanda, Crowley, and Lenalee have been. Neither the Heart, nor I have any high expectations of you, or any standard that we need you to live up to beyond what is most basic. Well, I don't have any expectations of you, at least. I'm sure you don't mind that so little will be asked of you.

Because we are and always will be followers, because of the title that is your name and our natures, because we are both weak, and because we so uncaringly waste our potential there is only one thing that will ever be asked of us. It is a simple enough task. All we must do is continue on as the Horse and help ensure that the Knight makes it to the final encounter with the Dragon. Simple as a child's fairytale.

Don't give me that dumb look of incomprehension again. You should understand the metaphor by now, even without explanation. We both know, even without the cryptic hints from Bookman we have known from the start, that Allen Walker will always be the White Knight, regardless of whether or not he possesses the Heart. He cannot help his nature any more than we can. And don't bother to ask because only the Heart knows where it is or with whom it is. It's a justifiably secretive, paranoid thing, you understand. But as I said, this doesn't matter so long as Allen makes it to his epic battle with the Dragon- the Earl, obviously. It would be preferable if some of the Knight's metaphorical tools made it to that particular act in the fairytale, but that's not our job so we really needn't worry about it.

The Heart and Crown Clown expect so much from Allen, poor boy. And what pressure has been placed on Lenalee and Miranda! So you see how fortunate you are to be with me, Bookman Jr.? Aren't you glad that all that is required of you is that you continue on in your role as wing-man, as the follower? Aren't you pleased that all you ever need be is a supporting piece?

Why the long face? Don't look so down, Bookman Jr. You'll fall into the role easily enough! After all, you always do. Maybe this time though… this time you will not have the strength, the heart, not to cast it away… and maybe you will be glad of it.

**_Not all those that know their minds know their hearts as well. ~_ Francois de la Rochefaucauld.**


	4. Time Record

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Miranda has always been a pessimist, but she has been slowly changing her outlook. She never thought she was of any use or had any value to anyone else (or even to herself), but she is slowly changing her mind.  
> For a woman who has always been in the wrong place at the wrong time, who has nothing but failure to reflect on, and has never done anything worthwhile, it is odd to think that she has been perfect the entire time.

**Perfect**

_The Definition of Perfect:_

_Brought to consummation or completeness. Completed. Not defective nor redundant. **Having all the properties or qualities requisite to its nature and kind**. Without flaw fault, or blemish. Without error. Mature. Whole. Pure. Sound. Right, Correct. _

_To make perfect._ **_To finish or complete, so as to leave nothing wanting_ ** _. To give to anything all that is requisite to its nature and kind._

We waited so long for you, Miranda dear. But as we are all, in a sense, Time made tangible we find that the passing of years, decades, or even that of centuries, means very little to any of us. As Time we are infinite, as is our patience.

As we are the power of change, of second chances, and frozen moments we were drawn to you because you were stagnating, because of your sense of uselessness, and because of your endless list of regrets. Being yours, we have granted you the power to halt and repair what is, or might otherwise become useless, forever damaged, or injured beyond all hope of salvation. Your past may be full of regrets, but we have given you the power to, hopefully, keep from ever again experiencing that feeling.

Of the countless that have come across us, no other has so intimately understood regret or so desperately wished to change time because of it. Thus, it is easy for us to see why we all are so compatible with you: A woman who, in the whole of her life, has never accomplished anything of note and was certain that that would never change. Granted, without us, it is very likely that your predictions would have been only too accurate.

Another of the reasons that you are so very perfect for us is that you are so willing to give without question, to protect with no thought for your own wellbeing. Even as such an incredible power as Time none of us possess offensive capabilities. This is why we needed one who wanted to be a shield at any cost.

There are so many reasons that you, Miranda Lotte, are perfect for us. You are perfect for us because you would heedlessly put yourself between a comrade and any blade or bullet. You would happily die of exhaustion if it meant giving your fellows a moment more of life. You are perfect for us because, gladly, you take on everyone else's wounds and mistakes if only to allow them a few more seconds on the battlefield- if only to give those precious to you but one breath more.

We know that you don't think you're worthy of an Innocence such as us, but we will prove that you are so very wrong, dear one. Everything is lost or sacrificed to time, eventually. Oddly enough, you who had never before possessed anything to sacrifice, or at least nothing worthy of sacrifice, can appreciate what it truly means to sacrifice better than any other we have known. After all those years of nothing worth sacrifice, your life is suddenly full of nothing but things far too precious to sacrifice. You are more than worthy of us because only one who has known the agony of never experiencing or doing anything worthwhile could possess the courage and resolve necessary to both protect and let go of anything worth everything.

You know it's true. Even when you knew that you couldn't do anything even remotely well you kept trying. It takes such strength to continue on a path you know forever leads to nowhere. It takes immense courage and resolve to try your best knowing that you will always fail.

These things tell us that no matter how exhausted, how hopeless- no matter how many you hold onto but must let die in the end- that no matter how much pain you must return to those you protect… No matter what happens you will not give up. In this way you are incapable of failing. And in this regard you rather remind us of Allen Walker.

We know that nothing we say will convince you of how perfect you are for us- with us. After all, self-worth can only be given to you by you. Yet, this situation is fine with us because we know how unique, and valiant, and absolutely perfect you are, and that's all that matters. It's fine that you doubt yourself and your abilities because that is part of why we chose you. It is also part of why you are able to endure the power we have given you.

Innocence can only grant great power to those who are capable of enduring great pain and are also willing to do so. You have always been willing, almost to the point of masochism. Your continuous cycle of try and fail clearly shows that you have always been willing to live in constant pain. More often than not you will suffer mentally, rather than physically, but the mind can cause pain unlike anything else. Always remember that we chose you because we know that you have the power to survive- a power that has always been yours and dependent on no other. We chose you because just as Time never truly stops, we know that you never will either.

Thank you, Miranda.

_Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts. ~Winston Churchill._


	5. Mugen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanda is a tragic, conflicted creature. A sado-masochistic mess. Even his Mugen cannot comprehend his wielders' motives.

**S and M**

_But I don't want to search no more, there's nowhere to hide, so why don't you come quietly my love._

_I wanted to say, to say that you sure proved the death of me._

_'Cause now I've reached the dead end and I can't go back, but if I'm going down you'll come with me 'cause you didn't stop to look 'round, you were gone before I hit the ground._

_You went on your way and tears were shed, how you left me for dead._

You are so _angry_ , so annoyed, and frustrated. You _would_ simply bottle it all up, like Lenalee, so that you only have to worry about occasional breakdowns that could be predicted, managed, and controlled, but you can't. There just isn't enough room within you to house such dense, heavy emotion such as that which you can't help but keep.

You _would_ simply keep it all in check, or at least vent in a healthy manner, but you can't. Beating up on the Baka Usagi and your Moyashi helps, but only so much. You _would_ keep your anguish and your anger to yourself, but there is so much of it that it's impossible. You are so full of rage, and irritation, and exhaustion that the only way you know how to keep your sanity and yourself is to let the tired hatred seethe from you at every possible moment of every day… I suppose I can't really blame you for that.

Regardless, I have no particular desire to be your partner, Second Exorcist. Yet with your every ounce of strength you force me to remain at your side. With very little trouble your will has always overpowered my own. Despite the pain that your continued domination of me causes you it hardly seems to bother you anymore. This doesn't surprise me because I remember just as vividly as you do the nearly endless agony they put you and I through all those years ago. It's been close to a decade now, hasn't it?

I may not care for you all that much, but after that time of torture I have no desire to cause you any further pain. Despite all the pain that I try- and _do_ \- keep from you it doesn't change the fact that the pain I _can't_ keep from you should be debilitating, all on its own. However, not only does that pain no longer seem to bother you, you have gone even further and _made_ yourself capable of enduring so much more. You no longer heed the quaking of your bones, the fiery burning in your nerves, or the pins-and-needles-turned-knives that dance over your skin every time you drag forth every last _minuscule gram_ of power before forcing me to dredge up yet more for you. I have become quite the magician having so much practice at _conjuring_ power out of thin air without sending us both into an untimely grave.

Of course, you are not the only Exorcist who would give _everything_ of themselves- who _has_ given everything in order to win. You have seen your Moyashi, Lenalee, Crowley, and even Miranda do so, first hand. Over the years you have avoided a great many funerals held for those who did so, but were unable to survive the price of that _'everything_.'

But out of all these people, dead or alive, you are the only one among them who believes that the pain of everything is necessary. No, you don't believe that you deserve pain as your Moyashi does, but you have somehow come to the conclusion that it is impossible to fight or give of yourself without pain. To an extent you are correct. It _is_ almost impossible to give without _someday_ being hurt. That was the most prominent lesson learned from your time at the Asia Branch, wasn't it? I guess I can't really blame you for being so _goddamn_ _depressing_ … At least you aren't a suicide risk.

Your previous life ended tragically and it is very likely that this one will, too. It's just that last time was so much _better_. I have a vague idea as to why this is so and I understand, to a degree. It's just that it's so difficult to be with a Second Exorcist after being with an Exorcist. That you were normal and in love last time and altered and jaded this time isn't what makes our renewed partnership so uncomfortable. The problem isn't that 'you' are in a new and abnormal body. It is hard to pinpoint exactly what is wrong, but I am fairly certain that the change in your outlook is what's causing me- causing _us_ such grief. Last time you _fought off_ death and wished so much to live. This time you are hardly more that uncertain about death and _force_ yourself to _cling_ to life. As I said, you are very, very depressing, Kanda Yuu.

Unfortunately, you are also rather stupid. You don't want to be a masochist, but think that you have to be. You, being _you_ , have decided that you must be a perfect masochist. (And you _wonder_ _why_ people think you're an idiot?) You, being _you_ , have decided further that you must be perfect in all that you do. I find it amusing when, despite that he has no hope of ever beating you at swordplay, your petite Moyashi always kicks your ass in hand-to-hand combat. Indeed, I enjoy seeing you lose at anything. I wasn't lying when I said I don't want to cause you any further pain and, truly, I do not like seeing you in pain, but it is also true that I love to see your endless pride trampled.

Despite that you loudly proclaim your extreme dislike for the Moyashi's and the Usagi's antics, I know that you greatly enjoy your arguments, fights, and their pranks (so long as they aren't pulled on you). You even enjoy the rare quiet times you spend with them. You are so strange when it comes to all else that I really shouldn't be surprised at that which makes you happy. Honestly, I'm not sure if I should be amused by this or concerned that this might be another facet of your masochistic tendencies. I suppose I should just be pleased that you, as Second Exorcist, still find joy in anything, regardless of its source. Of course there is nothing that will convince me that those sorts of things don't make you happy- as you so adamantly claim- because not only are you masochistic, you are also a sadist and enjoy beating on the baka red and baka white as much as you know they love riling you. You have known little more than violence, in any part of your life, so I guess I can't really blame you for this particular fault either.

I suppose I could draw similarities between you and your Moyashi seeing as there are parallels in your facades. And yet, though you will not be pleased by this comparison, you are _undeniably_ more like to Aleister Crowley, or vice versa. In _reasons_ \- your motivation to fight and to live- the two of you are very much alike. In order to survive you both killed the ones you loved most. Your twisted Moyashi fights to atone, but you and Crowley fight because that is all that's left to give you purpose. Fighting is all you have to cling to in order to justify killing Alma and Eliade. The idea that this war and your part in it are necessary are the only things that let you sleep at night and force yourselves out of bed every morning.

You are so depressing and odd, Second Exorcist. Just the act of holding onto me causes you exquisite pain and yet you hold me dearer than almost anything else in your life. The pain reminds you why you fought to live then, why you must find 'that person,' why you fight now, and why you must fight until you or the war are done. The pain gives you purpose. Odd that the only way in which you are a normal Exorcist is that you drown yourself in contradictions. Odd that the one thing about you in your last life that I loathed has morphed into the one thing about you in this life that I can stand.

You've always been so poetic, so cliché… so tragic, Kanda Yuu. So why is it that this is the only thing about you that I can stand anymore?

 


	6. Voiceless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It had no voice and no name. For this he was glad.~ Aleister Crowley and his innocence.

**Chapter 6: Vampire**

**Voiceless**

His Innocence didn't have a voice. He wasn't completely sure that other Innocence spoke to their compatible users, but it seemed a logical assumption. How else did the other Exorcist's learn of their combat techniques when they started out or when they evolved? Part of the reason he believed that the other Innocence had voices was because they had names they seemed to respond to on varying levels.

His Innocence didn't have a voice and it didn't have a name. Aleister Crowley recognized only emotion, feeling, sensation. There was desire, and anger, and sadness, but no words or voice, or even clarity. There were just pictures, dreams, visions, and impressions. Perhaps there were other Innocence like his, but he doubted it. After all, only his Innocence literally required that there be Akuma in order to function properly. There was ravenous hunger and rage in place of the clear direction and instruction he was fairly certain other Exorcists had in one way or another.

His Innocence didn't have a voice: his Innocence had a personality. Perhaps part of the reason for this was that his Innocence had resided in another living thing before him? Or maybe it was because it was fused into his blood, his bones, his marrow, his very DNA? It had taken control of his body, so was it truly so strange that it could effect his brain chemistry and create a second consciousness and personality? No, he supposed it wasn't really that odd a notion.

He was rather glad that his Innocence was the way that it was, though. He had never before been assertive, aggressive, violent, or even outwardly angry. He had to wonder if he would be in any way a capable Exorcist if his Innocence didn't alter his personality to that of a very effective and enthusiastic pugilist. His Innocence was the very essence of a monster, a beast incapable of speech or real human expression, barely capable of higher brain function and almost completely lacking in conscience.

In the end he was simply grateful, both for the ability as such a fighter and for the loss of his mind. His whole life he had been regarded as something of a freak because of his family and his timid, reclusive nature had not helped. As an Exorcist he was a complete monster and he could not afford timidity or the life of a gloomy hermit. His Innocence may have been beastly, but it had been kind enough to give him the ability to take control, to fight without fear or reservation. His Innocence had been kind enough to give him the character he needed in order to take and destroy. The nameless, speechless creature that was his Innocence had given him the power to save.

His Innocence didn't have a voice or a name and, for that, he was grateful. After all, Aleister Crowely was certain that he would never have the courage necessary to call its name aloud.


	7. Frivolous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because every Exorcixst needs at least one facade. And he was the very best.

**Frivolous**

**Frivolous** ~ The state of being self-indulgently carefree; unconcerned or lacking any serious purpose; given to trifling or undue levity.

This word describes you perfectly, Master.

To one who does not know you as I, or for as long as I have, this one adjective seems perfectly synonymous with your attitude and nature. With your very being.

But no one, not Claud, Froi, Anita, or even Allen know you well enough to understand anything beyond the frivolity. There is a reason you indulge in all the pleasures of the world. The indulgences serve a purpose.

Once upon a time you were told that you could help save the world. They thought that the role of a hero would be enough for you, as it has been for so many others. And it was enough. At first.

After years of thankless service you decided that things had to change. After years of staring the despairing ugliness of humanity in the face you wanted to see the loveliness. You needed beauty. You deserved beauty. In exchange for your service as a soldier the world would be your oyster.

Every Exorcist needs an outlet in order to cope with the war; some cry, some talk, become masochists or sadists, and a rare few are truly content with being 'heroes.' You became the epitome of frivolity, a modern day Marie Antoinette. It is a well deserved state of being, after all. What is money or a few nights with someone's wife in comparison to the public service you provide as a hero of the world? It is only fair, really.

You are frivolous because that luxury is your right. You are frivolous because their favors are such an insignificant price. You are frivolous because only in that lifestyle will you ever see or experience beauty. You are frivolous because if you are not you might break.

The only problem is that no one else sees it this way.

Don't they know that this is how you keep from breaking beyond repair? Don't they know that this is the only way that you can feel human and loved- if only for a night? Humans are a naturally tactile species, needing touch almost as much as anything else. And working in a world where everyone is to be regarded as a potential Akuma and there is always a distance between comrades because they so frequently die… don't they understand that your frivolous behavior is the only way you can satisfy your needs as such an exceptionally tactile creature? Don't they understand that your frivolity is the only thing keeping you sane?

If you consume enough expensive liqueur and perfectly distilled wine you can forget the blissfully ignorant life you had before you learned of Akuma, and Innocence, and Noah. If you lie, cheat, con, and take enough from those ignorant, happy, normal, human fools then you might be able to ignore that you are actually nothing more than their slave.

You'll forever take advantage of the Church, both its wealth and its prestige, as much as you can because, after everything is said and done, haven't you earned it? And haven't they earned every ounce of trouble you cause them in the process and more? Hasn't your servitude given you the right to such excesses? After all, you are not frivolous because you wish to be, per se, but because you must be. You are frivolous because it is the only way you know how to survive.

Let them think you an immoral, thoughtless, selfish bastard. Let them think whatever they will. Let them think you nothing more than frivolous because, at least then, they will not know that you are silently falling apart beside them.


End file.
